effexor...you mah only friend i feel weird. i don't know if it's the medicine or the fact that i think it's the medicine. placebo, you know??? either way, i feel good but i feel bad about it. like today, i fought with rob. he didn't call me when he got home; i called him. he told me he called me right back; i called his cell five times and then called chris' about a half hour later, and they were on their way to rye. he said it wasn't his fault. i wasn't mad. they picked me up at the rye train station. and of course chris was mean to me as usual, and rob ignored me as usual. when he wasn't ignoring me he was being sarcastic. but it wasn't just me. jordan kept trying to talk to him and he wouldn't. i don't know what's wrong with him today. but it always confuses me because right before i leave he makes it a point to stop whatever he's doing and say goodbye to me. i don't know but ignoring me and then kissing me goodbye isn't enough. but. it was only one day. and we fought this morning. and yesterday was bad. so i'm not mad. actually...i don't really feel anything. well, i am a little nervous, because he's drinking again tonight. he'll be okay. chris and jordan will be there, and i know for a fact that at least jordan will take care of him for me. but chris was drinking, and he's driving to rob's house. that scares me. it's just little things that rob does that lets me know he cares about me, but the amount that he cares about me changes day by day. however...i knew this when i started going out with him. it's my own fault if i find a problem with it now. he says he'll come over tomorrow. i don't think he will. my new medication is giving me insomnia and a nice, satisfactory kind of fuzzy feeling. i'm here, but i'm not here. i'm not totally upset about anything, i'm not throwing huge fits, and when i got a little upset at something i didn't ruin everybody's night; i went outside for a cigarette to calm down. so from now the relationship either goes two ways: very soon, we will break up -or- things will start getting a lot better. as soon as i stop feeling like he's hiding things from me. he bought his suit for prom today. he won't tell me what it looks like though. i just realized that almost everything i write in here is about rob. it's not on purpose; i do have other things on my mind constantly. but for some reason this is the place i chose to talk about him. i talk about other things in other places. wow. i could write for hours right now. maybe i'll go write that story for english class that was due last week. or take a bath. or paint. or try to sleep. oh my god i'm rambling. i haven't written this much in a loooooong time. i hope nobody's sad today. or mad. or anything. i hope everybody feels like i do right now. because if everybody felt how i did right now, nobody would have any problems at all. you get agitated for a second, and it just kind of...melts away. it's nice. i hope this medicine doesn't change me too much. holy shit i'm talking way too much so i'm going to stop and go do something to keep my hands busy. -Andrea. new |old | img | design | host |